28th October 2022

I dreamt about him last night, the first in a very long time. Maybe because this is the month of his death and the month of his burial. It left me with a sad feeling today, even though it is much better.  

This is actually the first year I felt normal in October. I didn't cry, I didn't miss him, didn't even remember the date. Michel reminded me although I would have seen it on my calendar. It is a sort of milestone for me as he is not present in my head all the time. When they say 'time heals all' it is correct because nothing else helps.

Talking about it just made me cry and if I talk about all the little things I start feeling sad. 

he doesn't pervade every part of me like it used to. There are days when I don't think about him at all and those are getting more. I am content with that.

29th October  I will have to revise that thought again as it seems like I can't watch movies with sick people in them. I watched From Scratch, a series my daughter said I must watch. I should have missed it totally. It just brings it all back, the suffering, the thinking, the losing. everything. So you think you're ok but you're not. Takes you back to the pain you carry in your stomach every day. When someone you love gets sick you get sick as well. Trying to be strong, trying not to break down and sob your heart out. I think my brain could only take so much trauma and I've used it all. I see I have only watched half of this series but this is where I am stopping. When she went down onto the floor and started sobbing, I couldn't because I did that. Stuffed a towel in my mouth so I couldn't be heard. Palliative care is not easy and you have to function as well.

I cannot take this manufactured pain. I don't pay to be traumatized. I think I need some comedy because this is seriously not fun.